Day #28

This was a Friday. I arrived at T.E.A.M. fitness late because of the snowy weather. I stayed after to make up what I missed. I enjoy this class because I feel it gets me out of my comfort zone in working out and I get to socialize with some really nice ladies. Came home and helped shovel my neighbor's walk/driveway. My hubby had already done ours. Went shopping with my stepmom all day until it was time for me to go back to the gym and meet with the nutritionist for a "free" consultation.

It's now Saturday when I'm writing this and it's not even 6:00 in the morning, but I'm so frustrated I can't sleep (I was really looking forward to sleeping in on my Saturday morning). Instead I'm awake and frustrated out of my mind. I'm hoping that once I write this I can get back to bed for a bit. So back to Friday, I get there and stand on this special scale that tells you your weight (which is up from my Tuesday weigh-in) and it does all this scanning. The nutritionist says that I have quite a bit of inflammation in my body and that my Body Mass Index is 40%. We go back into his office and he's asking me questions like why am I coming to the gym? I tell him I've always been confident and I want to be healthy. I have three little boys and I want to be healthy for them. I hate when people assume that fat people must be miserable with themselves. I know that is not true, at least not for this person. Yes, I like buying new clothes and fitting in smaller sizes. Yes, I like when people comment on how good I'm looking, but I was comfortable in my own skin before. He asked more questions. I told him that I feel like I have less energy then I did when I was fat. I didn't state this then but the truth of the matter is I have so much LESS energy now then I did before.... a lot less. We discussed what I've been typically eating and when. How much I work out. I told him I've been trying to eat around 1300 calories a day. He asked how I came up with this number. I told him that I'd done Weight Watchers before but it didn't even look at a calorie count and so I had no idea how many calories I was eating before. I then told him how I was eating even less when I started this contest because I wanted to win it. After I left I realized how I came up with this calorie count. I was reading the Biggest Loser books and there was an average calorie count range in there and that's how I came up with it. He told me that he had done over 500 nutrition plans and only 15 were on that low of a calorie count. He said even though I was eating healthy foods I was probably not eating enough carbs and fats. Maybe not even enough protein. I asked him if he could recommend somethings for me to eat. Here is when the not so "free" comes in. He told me about the testing they could do (hundreds of dollars) to find out hormonally where I am off and what my metabolism is. He could set up a diet plan for me for $99. I made another appointment with him to do this. I thought the testing was out of my budget. I told him I'd have to talk to my husband. This whole process just seems so dag gone expensive, but I am feeling pretty lousy a lot of the time so I wanted to do it. I thought Monte would object and I'd have to cancel. I couldn't blame him. I feel like I'm always being sold something at the gym. I came home and just started crying. Monte said I could have the testing and he wants to support me being healthy. I immediately thought about calling the trainer to see if I could move up the appointment because I wanted to start feeling better immediately. I thought I'd feel better after that but I don't. I'm at the point that I am ready to forget all about the contest aspect of this. I mean if they tell me I'm suppose to only lose 1-2 pounds a week to be healthy and then they sponsor a biggest loser competition where the goal is to lose as much weight as possible I'm getting some pretty mixed messages. I am feeling down right stressed and miserable. So here comes my rant! First he said I have a lot of inflammation. (It is now 11:28. My dear hubby woke up and was worried about me and came down and had a good "talk" it out session with me. I think my hubby is pretty darn fantastic!) I really don't understand what "a lot of inflammation" means to my weight loss process. I'm so frustrated with the fact that I'm trying to do everything right and buying more and more stuff to be healthy and I still feel overly tired and without drive to enjoy other things that I use to enjoy. Don't get me wrong. I love exercising. I love how I feel while I'm doing it and for a short while afterwards. I hate that shortly after I crash. One of the reasons I didn't buy new clothes is that I was so overwhelmed by having to go shopping for them. Say what?!!? I don't even want to go shopping?!?! That is so out of character for me. I've had a hard time just keeping up with the simplest things like reading with Trevor in the evening or getting the kitchen cleaned up. I love food. And my attitude toward it lately has been down right pathetic. I'm not enjoying what I eat most of the time. I don't feel satisfied. At least when I was doing Weight Watchers I felt I could eat some things that excited me from time to time. I kept hearing that I needed a protein shake so I stocked my refrigerator up with Muscle Milk lights just to go to the first nutrition class and hear that they have stuff added to them that makes them toxic. By the way, the gym sells these muscle milk products in their health cafe. My 40% BMI still puts me in the obese section which I thought "really?!?" Maybe I'm self delusional but I feeling like I was making good progress. After talking to my dear husband I calmed down enough to go to bed. This is what I have worked out. I'm going to up my calories to 1500. I am going to forget having my main focus on this contest. It's just making me miserable. I'm going to keep trying to be healthy. Hopefully I'll lose the pounds in the process but I can't keep doing this to myself. So as of Day #28 I'm not going to post every day. I'll post if I feel something is noteworthy. It's time to get back to feeling good about my life. It's time to get back to being excited about being healthy instead of being overwhelmed by it.